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Football News: Tips for teams coming into the Premier League.

You really have limited options when coming into the premier league, or trying to stay up, which I am now going to explain.

Goalkeeper - this could be anyone who has ever played in the premier league, or been at a team associated with the premier league, no matter how bad - occasionally they may be okay. Recent entries include Hurelio Gomes, Lucas Fabianski, Asmir Begovic or if you're really short, Shay Given. Failing that, give a youngster a go, they normally turn out better anyway, Nick Pope or Jordan Pickford more recently.

Centre half. Well you have your meatheads. Similar to goalkeepers if they have played in the prem in the last 20 years it's a bonus, even if they have been relegated countless times, Younes Kaboul and Michael Dawson comes to mind. Otherwise, they just have to be big and no nonsense. Again, if you're struggling, try a local lad, who will be the pride of the team, until they no doubt leave for Everton and prove they are just average - see Michael Keane and Ashley Williams for more.

Full backs. Who cares? I can't name any. If they can't defend, play five at the back and pray they can attack a little. There are no good full backs any more anyway, why would they play for crystal palace?


Centre mid. Basically you start with a centre half type who can pass a bit, maybe hit a screamer once or twice a season. If you're being careful, you pick two. Someone like Cheik Tiote and Kouyate. The kind of player who Alan Shearer raves about when they kept Ozil in their pocket for the annual Arsenal 'shock' defeat, but never really makes anything else happen. This is also the guy that scores a last minute equaliser from a corner against Liverpool, after they fail to clear. If you don't have two of these players, the other is someone like Andrew Surman or Dale Stephens who I don't even know what they look like never mind of and how they play. The kind of player who wishes they have a made up Scottish great Aunty to get some international football under their belt.

If your manager is not Tony Pulis or Sam Alladyce - and sometimes it is not - and you occasionally try and play football (and obviously get applauded for it one week on match of the day, then ridiculed the next by Mark Lawrenson) you may have a third option in the middle. This is either the 'bit of a step down but never rated him anyway, how on earth he got minutes at psg is beyond me' type player - Yohan Cabaye for those who couldn't work it out. Or this could be a player from one of the teams that went down last year - Sam Clucas springs to mind and 'didn't look too bad. Similar players include 'wee' Joe Allen and Jonjo Shelvey.

Wingers. There's a few options here but first it is the 'never quite made it' pacey winger - usually English. This could be either towards the end of their career, or fairly young, touted for good things but didn't knuckle down. These players are widely abundant, and occasionally you might get a good ones, but most of the time you get an Aaron Lennon, Tom Ince, Wayne Routledge, Andros Townsend, Scott Sinclair and Stewart Downing (I'm falling asleep just writing that) .

If they are not English, they will get a lot more hype from the supporters. However, don't be fooled, the only difference between these players is that they didn't play for Arsenal or Tottenham before stepping down, and inevitably fading away into the abyss. This will soon happen to Jose Isquirdo, Eric Chupo-Moting, Christian Atsu and Luciano Narsingh. If you can't buy one of these, just loan a younger one from one of the big teams, and kill their career a few years earlier that it was going to die - sorry to break it to you Kenedy and N'kodou.

Strikers. Again a few options. Firstly you have the cliche'd 'Too good for the championship, not good enough for the prem' striker. Or Dwight Gayle syndrome as I call it. Then you have the wrong side of thirty journey man. Sitting on the bench somewhere and jumps at the chance to change benches - Peter Crouch, Glenn Murray, Shane Long I'm looking at you.

Usually though, they just have to be big or quick, with not much footballing ability. Occasionally, you get a few that slip through the cracks and after another disappointing international tournament, the press calls for their call up. These players should not believe the hype, and realise they are another average player playing reasonably well for their current team - do not think you can make it at a top club now, it is too late for you.

Some are sensible and stay - Troy Deeney and Kevin Nolan less recently - others think they can, by they turn out to be Andy Carroll and only ever will be Andy Carroll. Honourable mention for Rickie Lambert who jumped at a chance to join his boyhood team and gave it a go, but let's be honest, cult hero at Southampton was as good as it got.

Subs. Just make this up with players no ones heard of, and young players who were at good teams before you. For some reason a player not good enough for a top team is better than one of your own.


Written by Firmane February 05 2018 23:50:05