Football News: Premier League Ali Dia Awards For Worst Of The Year
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Football-Rumours Premier League Ali Dia Awards For The Worst Of The Year
As requested on the Liverpool site, we have put together our hotly contested awards for worst of the Premier League season. They are like the Razzies, but for something people actually care about....
The Rivaldo Face Hold Award For Diving
Apologies to the likes of Erik Lamela who showed real mastery of the flop but did not get enough football to earn a nomination.
The nominations for most affected by snipers in the crowd are:
1. Tottenham Hotspur's Dele 'Divey' Alli who gets in for sheer quantity of flops to the ground under little to no contact.
2. Crystal Palace's Wilfried Zaha not only does he manage to put in a huge quantity of dives but also manages to produce a look of pain and yelp of agony to match.
3. Manchester City's Raheem $terling whose scream of agony each time the wind of a player running within 10 yards of him causes him to crash to the ground is much admired on the continent.
The winner is: Dele 'slippy shoes' Alli. It was a closely contested award, but Wilfried Zaha's injury lay-offs tipped the balance in favour of Alli who spends more time lying down on the job than a cheap hooker.
The Graham Poll Triple Yellow Award For Refereeing
The most hotly contested of all awards, as a case could be made for almost every single one of them for being so inept to fully deserve the award. Those that failed to make the cut can take comfort in the part they have played to cover up the ineptitude by making up non-existent interpretations and other excuses to allow the winner's uselessness to continue unchecked.
The nominations for most in need of new spectacles are:
1. Jonathan 'still learning the offside rule' Moss for failing to learn the laws of the game and his complete lack of basic fitness.
2. Mike 'centre of attention' Dean for forgetting that he is not the star of the show.
3. Bobby Maddeley for being so bad even other referees gave up defending his decisions.
The winner is: Jonathon 'Mark Hughes's favourite' Moss. An official so bad that many pundits, current players, managers and ex-referees have suggested he sometimes gives free kicks just so he has a moment to catch his breath.
The Adrian Chiles Award For Inane Punditry
Another hotly contested award, I am sure Jamie Carragher will be spitting mad to miss out on a nomination.
The nominations for showing all the intelligence and insight of Homer Simpson are:
1. Michael Owen for having a voice that could lull a hyperactive seven year old to sleep added to a lack of insightfulness that makes Robbie Savage seem the intellectual option.
2. Dan Thomas of ESPN for having all the intelligence and insight of a cabbage left to rot for weeks on a hot windowsill.
3. Mark Lawrenson for those crap jokes and being living proof that you can be carried by Alan Hansen for an entire career on and off the pitch.
The winner is: Mark Lawrenson. This was a very tight one, Dan Thomas is like a dumbed down Robbie Savage (I had to watch footage of him to pick the nominees and it was not fun), but most of the editors did not have him on their coverage, thankfully. Michael Owen's drone puts people to sleep, but it seems that Lawro's lack of insight and crap jokes are far more difficult to tune out during a match.
The Abel Xavier Award For Barnets
Silly haircuts seem to have fallen a little out of fashion in recent years, with the rise of the tattoo to showcase their individuality by copying everyone else. However there are still a few that keep the art of the terrible hairdo alive.
The nominations for having all the hirsute style of a Chris Waddle mullet go to:
1. Manchester United's Paul Pogba if for no other reason than dyeing his hair blue for the Manchester derby, despite playing for the red half of the city.
2. Manchester United's Marouane Fellaini for his consistently terrible hair fluff.
3. Chelsea's David Luiz/Ethan Ampadu for sharing the same Sideshow Bob wig.
The winner is: David Luiz/Ethan Ampadu. Are they even separate people? Has anyone seen them both on the pitch at the same time? Which one gets custody of the wig away from the stadium?
The Neville Southall Six Packs Belong In The Fridge Award For Fitness
Even in this modern era of fitness coaches and personal chefs there are still footballing throwbacks to the days of Neil 'too fat to fit his shorts' Ruddock and Tomas 'roly poly' Brolin.
The nominations for having the well chiselled physique of Jan Molby are:
1. Everton's Wayne 'while the missus and kids are away' Rooney for a fitness regime that involves an old school routine of lifting pints and smoking cigs to keep in shape.
2. Watford's Troy 'spare tractor tire' Deeney for looking like he follows the same training regime as Jon Moss.
3. Manchester United's Luke 'just one more Big Mac' Shaw for being out of breath just getting on to the pitch. Clearly still closely following his Southampton legend Matt Le Tissier diet plan.
The winner is: Wayne 'likes them old' Rooney. His lifestyle has caught up to him to such an extent that even Sam Allardyce dropped him. The same Allardyce that kept a ridiculously overweight and sluggish Kevin Nolan in the team for years after he was finished as a player.
The Afonso Alves It Looked A Good Signing On Paper Award
While players are no longer signed off the back of a phone call from a bloke pretending to be George Weah's cousin (sadly), there are still numerous terrible signings made every season. So many it was difficult, extremely difficult in fact, to cut the list down to just 3 nominees, but there just is no room for the Danny Drinkwaters and Jonathan Walters to be squeezed in.
The nominations for being so bad a signing they actually became a hindrance to the team each time they were on the pitch go to:
1. West Ham United's Joe 'models his game on David flapper James' Hart for more mistakes than Donald Trump's Twitter feed.
2. Everton's Cuco 'truly two footed as both feet are as bad as each other' Martina for being the most over priced free signing in footballing history and proving that an abysmal right back does not make a good left back.
3. Swansea City's Renato 'that advertising hoarding is in space' Sanches for proving that Bayern Munich are as susceptible to buying a pup on the basis of a decent international tournament as anyone.
The winner is: Renato 'are you sure you played in the Euros' Sanches. His signing was supposed to be a coup for the Swans, but it turned out to be an utter disaster. Sanches has a good claim to be the worst player ever to have played in the Premier League.
The Christian Gross Train Ticket To His Dreams Award For Management
It is just a shame that this year there were no goat's cheeses to cure knee injuries advice from the nominees.
The nominations for managing a team with all the skill and panache of David Brent are:
1. West Bromwich Albion's Alan 'dancing queen' Pardew for managing less wins in 4 months than Darren Moore got with the same team in 4 games. It just shows the folly of hiring your mate to run your team when you are fighting relegation.
2. Southampton's Mauricio 'not as good as the other Mauricios' Pellegrino for taking a talented squad and making them look like the cast of a movie pretending to be footballers for a few close up shots.
3. Everton's Sam 'that's entertainment' Allardyce for being the least suited manager to a role since Roy Hodgson was at Liverpool. Any manager that can get booed and jeered by his own team's fans despite a run of victories has to be doing something wrong.
The winner is: Alan 'how desperate would you need to be to hire him' Pardew. His reign at the Baggies was even more embarrassing than his touchline dad's dance. Calling his time there shambolic would be a charitable description, his management was so poor that the taxi incident was the highlight.
The Massimo Taibi Careless Hands Award For Keeping
With more flaps than a game of Angry Birds, there have always been dodgy keepers in the Prem and that does not look like changing any time soon.
The nominations for dropping more balls than a bad golfer are:
1. Southampton's Fraser Forster for being unable to stop anything that is not hit at him as he has the foot speed across the ground of a tortoise dosed up on temazepam.
2. Liverpool's Simon Mignolet for making Liverpool fans look back fondly on David James' time as keeper.
3. West Ham United's Joe Hart for looking like his gloves are coated in butter.
The winner is: Joe 'can't kick' Hart. Hart just beat tough competition from Mignolet to pick up, and no doubt immediately drop, the award for worst keeper.
The William Prunier Only Got The Gig Because My Mate Is Cantona Award For Defending
The art of defending nowadays has been almost totally replaced by the art of passing it around aimlessly at the back but, even so, there are still a few defenders who stand out as being particularly poor at defending.
The nominations for being as useful defensively as a sieve is for bailing out a boat are:
1. Liverpool's Alberto 'lunging tackle from the wrong side' Moreno for being always 40 yards too far forward. It says a lot that he is so bad that a midfielder made a better left back than he has ever been.
2. Everton's Ashley 'legs gone' Williams for looking like it is the first time he has ever played football every time he stepped on the pitch in an Everton shirt. It is like he suffered a bang on the head that has caused amnesia ever since the Euros.
3. Arsenal's Per 'doesn't want to be there' Mertesacker for playing like a man who has had enough ever since he arrived in England. Came out publicly to say he never wanted to play again, but still continued to pick up the huge wages from his playing contract. A great example to youngsters who want to know how to steal a living...
The winner is: Ashley 'got my big money move so I can relax now' Williams. It is telling how much Everton's defensive performances and results improved after Williams was suspended.
The Alberto Aquilani Should Have Watched Him Play Before I Bought Him Award For Midfielders
In these days of head coaches having players given to them to coach, rather than choosing them, there seems to be a lot more of the signings that do not fit into the team than ever before.
The nominations for playing like a pub footballer who has sneaked onto the pitch go to:
1. Stoke City's Charlie 'tug boat' Adam for looking like a pub footballer and showing all the tackling ability of a pub footballer, always arriving ten minutes after needed like a postman. Even his famed £10m set pieces have disappeared.
2. Chelsea's Tiemoue 'did we sign the wrong identical twin' Bakayoko for appearing to lose all the footballing talent he had displayed last season.
3. Arsenal's Granit 'how on earth did he cost so much' Xhaka for being a defensive midfielder with no ability to defend and little obvious ability.
The winnner is: Charlie 'it was all their fault' Adam. He deserves the award for his sheer cheek in blaming other players for Stoke's shambolic season. Oh yes Charlie, because you have never shown a lack of discipline when you make those idiotic tackles that see you sit out at least 3 matches a season.
The Ali Dia Phone Call From George Weah Award For Strikers
The days of Marco Boogers, signed on the strength of a video, may have gone, but misfiring strikers are still commonplace throughout the Premier League.
The nominations for those forwards with a goalscoring record that is overshadowed by the defenders are:
1. Crystal Palace's Christian 'sympathy penalty' Benteke for losing his shooting boots.
2. Stoke City's Saido 'missing man' Berahino for vanishing up his own backside in recent years.
3. Liverpool and West Bromwich Albion's Daniel 'smiley face' Sturridge for playing like a man running in treacle and the look of a man who has found a penny while looking for the fifty pound note he lost.
The winner is: Saido 'still sulking about not being at Spurs' Berahino. One day he is going to have to get over his tantrum and put his toys back in his pram. Maybe he can find his level in the Championship next season.
The Victor Meldrew Pram With Toys To Throw Award For Moaning
There are so many moaners in football, every single game seems to be full of players whining about something and each after match TV interview sees at least one of the managers having a good old moan about something. Some stand out as better at the blaming others game than others though.
The nominations for those who can best point the finger of blame at someone other than themselves are:
1. Stoke City and Southampton's Mark Hughes for always finding a reason to blame the referee, no matter what has happened.
2. Manchester United's Jose 'moanrinho' Mourinho for not even allowing a player to have a good game without taking the credit for it being all down to his brain.
3. Manchester City's Pep 'hypocrite' Guardiola for deciding there is a vendetta against his team every time one of his players gets tackled.
The winner is: Jose 'hotel living is the new way to put down long term roots' Mourinho. Well deserved win for a man who finds new ways to criticise and denigrate his own players, even though they are in second place with an FA Cup final to look forward to. If ever there was a man who is unhappy in his work it is Jose. If he was one of the Seven Dwarves, he would be the one complaining about that whistling noise and moaning at Grumpy for being too damn cheerful.
Finally a special thanks to the Liverpool poster who suggested doing these awards, though, once again, dumbarse here forgot to save the poster's name. The Charlie Adam Finger Of Blame Award goes to you!
Written by Tris Burke May 08 2018 10:49:50
