Football News: Man oh Man Utd!!!

So Half the season is gone, or half of it is yet to come (here you go, you beautiful glass half-full people) and i figured this is a more appropriate time to review the Old trafford outfit, because it's the internet and i can change minds from the comfort of my fat bum resting on a couch, so naturally i take it as a duty that i HAVE to fulfil ( i sincerely feel for those who don't get sarcasm :()

This article will serve to highlight my opinions of what i have seen so far this season, not to berate or demean anyone associated with this thing of beauty that we like to call "Manchester United". This is going to be a bit of long-ish read so i'll categorize things..

Manchester United Top Dogs:

Well woodward looks a bit more exotic-royal Chihuahua , but right at the beginning i digress. As he is the face of the operation, i consider him the hierarchy here, but regardless, i don't think there is a lot of nitpicking to be done here.

He ticks all the boxes of the CEO that i want running Man Utd. He don't (my gangsta slang) interfere with the footballing side, he puts his faith in the manager ( when every other ceo seem like they wanna kardashian it up with a flurry of comments after a single loss or otherwise, the sheikhs used to do it quite a bit too if you guys remember), replaced moyes with what he thought (all of us included) a world class manager, caved in to the manager's demands of paying hefty sums for a few players and practically changed even his own underpants in accordance with LVG's demands alongside putting cameras (up skirt shots of fellaini galore now) in the training ground and God knows what else... SO i'd say the top dogs of this club are top in my books.

The one Caveat is, i wish woodie would stop whoring us out to cheap tequilas and budget taxi ride companies. That's it. But before you get on to your financial high horses ( like any of us understand the dynamics of a billion dollar empire) i understand it's a necessary evil, but all I'll say is evil's evil...

 

Transfer Market (A):

Next up we put under the microscope, our transfer ins, this past transfer window. In one word "AWESOME" and then some... Any one who disagrees with that sentiment should read this name: Schweinsteiger ( and it's even better when it's spelled correctly). I am not one to talk about ages of players as a detriment or an advantage so i am not as well equipped as some of you to talk about his legs, but even if it's just for selling shirts and posters, getting him from Bayern is no less a feat than walking around in plaza de Toro wearing the brightest red outfit...

We also got Schneiderlin (i ain't no spelling bee champ), Darmian, Memphis and some junior players including a "money down the toilet" (seriously, the guys here are just so eloquent sometimes) player called Martial something something...

At the end of the day these players may not have added much, some would have you believe, but i feel they weren't brought in to add anything as much as to fill the foundation and bases so that things can be added later... i'll refer to the common analogy of "a team's spine". That's what we did not have for sometime, and now i think it's only because of these players that we demand a bit of muscle, style, flair and what have you. Because now with a spine like that you can hit the gym and pack on some muscle.

I will point out the obvious that depay hasn't played too well and he has some baggage off the field that he needs to rid himself off. It all on him where he wants to go, so i am quite interested to see if he choses the top of the world as his direction or some gutter called anfield.... But in all seriousness, i have watched enough football, i think, to not start handing out flops or world class titles yet and remember folk 'good things take time'....

If only they had gotten a CB to go with it... But i am sure it was more a case of go after a CB that we don't really want VS wait for the CB we want and put blind and academy grads in there as cover. I don't mind that one bit.

We havent been as wise in trimming our squad, it wreaks of tantrums and hissyfits more than calculations and amicable resolution. Granted, these weren't or aren't players we would have gone into the season very excited with but i wouldn't mind a RVP or lil pea right now. but both seem to had their share of problems with lvg which is why i said it's all very teen-ish or even 3-graders fighting over the front seat.

 

Youth:

This area seems to have been given a lift as of late. We have got some good blood coming through our youth ranks, both butt and joyce are getting the lads infused with some good attacking play. However, i do wonder sometimes if there's ever going to be a group of players, 4 or 5 lads, coming through to the main team of any club now given the climate of the footballing world right now

But some real gems we have in the youth team from goss to tuanzebe ( i think nowadays to play for Man Utd you need a hard head and a hard name )

 

The A-Team:

NO i am not gonna burst into ed sheeran tunes nor am i gonna light a cigar and say " I love it when a plan comes together"...

Now this is where things get interesting... I figured i'd rate individual players based on half the season they have had or i think they have had, but unfortunately i dont have the metrics and calculation tools that countless other sites have to determine a numerical rating system so i'll have to wing it....

David De Gea: Let's start with the usual suspects, and ever since valdes started dating lvg's daughter ( of course that's why they are fighting, dont u remember zaha n moyes) it doesn't get any usual than de gea. I think he has probably started every game for us and he is as good as they come. Nuff said. His rating of the season is unlimited hugs coz we may not get to hug him come next season.

Darmian: Great lad, very good RB, speed, attacking instincts and very Italian which maybe his best defensive quality, depending on where your vantage point is. Still settling in but a great great improvement over a stop-gap solution like valencia or jones... He gets a side order of raviolis from me.

Mikey: I wonder who is van gaal confusing him with lolll. I can go on waxing lyrical about how much he has improved and what not, but while he has improved, what needs commendation even more is that fact that with blind as his partner he has had to carry our defence pretty much all on his own shoulders ( osama impersonating shoulders, sure) and blind has pretty much hidden behind him... he gets a beer cooler which sherbat inside

Shaw: :'( come back strong kiddo...

Blind: Plays well every now and then, in different positions for a brief stint and fades. allow me to explain, he has filled in at lb, cm, cdm, cb and he has had good games in all those positions but never got really consistent in any position. Has filled in, many would claim, remarkably well as a CB but i think not. Like a dutch O'Shea with a lot less passion for the game or the club, me thinks... any way he gets a toilet paper roll and bottle of moet

 

Indi-aaah-naah Jones: plays football like he is made of adamantium yet gets injured like he's made of twigs but that still doesn't stop him from tryin to commit suicide every game and alot could be said about that. Got a bright future ahead of him as a physio... he gets a stethoscope

Rojo: Looked alright, came out to defend his coach after people said he had a bit of a thing with lvg and i appreciate that. Jury's still out on him but so is he with an injury. Can't help but think of scooby doo saying his name "Ruh-Roh" lollll.. He gets a scooby snack

Fellaini F430: Surely shaggy can't be too far away when one talks about scooby snacks. But this guy, i am torn the most about. On one hand he is an effective attacking outlet that a lot of teams can do with but on the other hand it's exactly the kind of football that i see us trying to move away from, but to be truthful, when the clock strikes 70 mins, there's no more i wanna see come off the bench than this guy but obviously Luis doesn't feel that way, so that naturally means i am dumb. He gets a size 6 shoe, for his elbow, that is...

Morgan stanley: The midfielder that we have been clamouring for a few years now. Top top player, could chip in with more goals but the chance rotation system that lvg has in place prohibits that. By chance rotation system i mean LVG's philosophy that every player should get a chance on goal once every billion games...
He gets the Transporter series.

Bastian - Friggin - Schweinsteiger: He is a Man utd player now. Hot Damn it feels good to say that... Just for his pure effort and running around everywhere on the ground he gets a one-on-one yoga lesson from either giggs or Heidi klum

Herrera & Pereira : NEED to see alot more of those two... In the case of Pereira, it's so curious that we hadn't won a game for like 2 months and not once did lvg think, hey why don't i send a rather talented attacking player on... I don't know if he comes to training naked or smelling but he has to be doing something massively wrong to not get more minutes than he has gotten.

Herrera will end up in Barcelona, a lil birdie told me a lil while back that barca have earmarked him and it's only a matter of season or two before he gets stolen from us... need i say more?

Ashley - bird poop - Young: Never liked him from day one, didn't think he is united quality, still don't. He has, however, shut me up on many many instances throughout the season and gave us all that magical moment from last season that the world of football won't forget. Works very hard, but not much of his work is pleasing to my eyes. People might argues his crosses, but again the ratio of successful crosses is low or maybe i am biased.. He gets a new epiglottis (get it ;))

Michael Carrick: Typical slow start to the season, but fortunately we have got a few replacements for him now, his strengths and weaknesses were on display this season when he played so nothing new to add but some of his passes are just pure sublime .... he gets a contract extension should he so desire..

 

Memphis, Tennessee: Had a good start to his life here didn't he. I remember in one of his early games here he had an exquisite give and go with rooney involving a back heel flick and i was out of my chair with tears in my eyes ( coz how long has it been right). I guess i jumped up too soon.. They say he has off-field issues but i wouldn't know, on the field however he is all thighs and nothing else so far, and i don't get how people think he is pacey, i think i have seen him lose to mertesacker in a sprint (i jest of course). But he is young and new and gives the feeling of a kid who could do wonders under the right guidance, but what do i know...
For him we have a special calf-implant waiting just to balance his legs...

no mata what: I have not been as disappointed on a signing in some time. I adored him when he was in chelsea and he was doing everything, and so beautifully, until jose came along and i have tried to convince myself on numerous occasions that it's just our style of play, but boy does he do nothing but spin... He is like a nissan fairlady being driven by a 13 year old who just wants to do donuts. He seems to have lost his vision for a pass and his shooting has become weaker than phil jones' bones...
He gets the bench...

Martial Matters: Yes he does. Scored his debut goal on his first appearance against liverpool!!! Just for that he gets all my wealth. P.s about 20 years from now we'll hear journos go "this kid is the new martial"

Waning Looney: I gotta, first of all, find out about his illuminati pyramid celebration crap. Dont worry, you guys would have noticed had he scored a goal in the last decade. I am a huuuuuuuge fan though of this chap and i feel for him. His situation can be best described by this analogy of an Aston martin; imagine you buy a DB9 (salivation aplenty) and the first thing you do after getting one is replace the engine with a smaller turbine to save on fuel... If Van gaal can't see THAT i don't know what football is... And lvg is supposed to be a trainer in his words.. i call bull-crap on that by the way... rooney gives the impression of a caged-terrier and i just wish for him to be un-caged while he can still run coz that time seems nigh...
He gets an Acme dynamite kit..

Lingered: Slightly better than mata on the right which isn't exactly high-praise. Novice finisher but an ever willing runner with pace which in itself is like a breath of fresh air not unlike valencia in his first season.

Others:
Cam - jackson: looks alright... has played well for a teenager playing for the biggest club in the world..
Paddy fields: LVG said he could be the rb for the next 10 years (after he performed admirably in that position in a few games) and then simply never played him there again... Last thing these kids need is a brat with a keyboard judging them...
Valerie: i see why everyone rates him, slotted in so effortlessly in the few minutes he has gotten towards the midway point of the season...
Blackett: You see a trend here don't you... can anyone explain to me please why coaches are more comfortable promoting an 18 year old defender into the first team over an 18 year old winger. It defies logic. Again, i may certainly be wrong but it baffles me..
Powell-puff: Glad to see him back but not so glad when i realized the desperation of the team without the 4-striker (golden rule) for a proper title challenge..

Johnstone: I liked him quite a bit in the friendlies and the start of the season. good shot-stopper, not so good yet with distribution but i blame it on van der sar n de gea with their distribution assists and everything they have spoiled us..

 

Luis VG

Time for the big one. I promised i will keep my emotions in check while writing about him but frankly i think i am fighting a losing battle. With that in mind let's quickly look at the positives first...

The single biggest +ive (and i keep fighting the urge to remind everyone repeatedly that these are just my opinions) is his pedigree. To present a perspective Moyes could only get TWO players in TWO windows (even microsoft has seen bigger action - lame joke for fellow nerds) and this was the window right after Sir Alex so we needed a lot more... Say what you will about luis, but there are still a great many players who'd like luis as a coach ( which is baffling to me)..

 

But with this out of the way, let's bring Luis VG back to planet earth weekend update style:

Really luis, you went as far as tryin g to kill mother earth by chopping down her trees at carrington, because apparently trees are the big antagonists in the movie that is your philosophy...

You put cameras to track facial expressions of your players during training... Really!!?! But congratulations are in order coz i have finally fond someone who understands your philosphy, The CIA.

Really Luis?!?! Even the tour of friendlies you have a problem with ??? you realize that for many this is the once in a lifetime opportunity to watch these players at a stone-throw distance.... and for this load of tosh, which you call possession football. REALLY??!?! i call it "possessed football" and you the "lying dutchman"

You cant stand for 90 mins once a week????? what are you made of? same material, jones' bones are made of ?!?!?!

ANd you wont let your assistants stand up either... Really Luis?

You talk about 4 stages of football yet your players only seem to remember the one part of a football field which is, ironically, where the game usually starts and where your game usually finishes..

You talk about attacking football in your interviews and then talk about scoring A goal in a match... ever heard of a 5-1 or 5-2 or pretty much any other scoreline besides 1-0 luis??

You blow your tactics trumpet all year long and you start F430 in the midfield with carra, morgan and basti on the bench... Really tinkerbell??

You sent Januzaj on loan and then said we need more creative players and now errbody knows we in the market for a winger.... Really ?!?!

You say you coach and develop players to become more intelligent yet its the first time i have seen consecutive foul throws in 3 matches... Pathetic

You have an attention to detail, the whole world tells me... While all i see on the pitch is players caught out of position, general lack of any sense of direction and unlike before they dont even talk to each other on the pitch... Its like me coming to work, all i want is for the clock to strike 5pm and for no one to disturb me.

A glimmer of hope in the form of martial and what do u do in the press conference, you f*ck with his mind and repeatedly say, to the point where it is just plain stupid, oh he is definitely gonna struggle, i know, coz a hundred years ago i got lucky with a talent pool in holland that even rafa benitez can win the world over with.... Really Luis?!? you think you're the only one who knows that young players sometime struggle for consistency
You even said that i bought him for giggs (the next manager) which is great and good and all hunky dory. but a quick question. WHAT THE FU*K DO WE DO THIS SEASON? WHAT DID YOU GET FOR THE CURRENT MANAGER you slow dutch arghhhhh

Now credit where its due, You did sure up our defence by coming up with, what i can only describe as, the most simple and brilliant plan (i think he drew his inspiration from the game against blackburn a few seasons ago) which was to just dont do anything with a ball and keep passing it backwards until the oppos get tired or angry.... WOWWWW

I have seen people get the hang of flying rocketships quicker than the players understanding your philosophy.. for Heaven's sake, really luis...

You took our two better players and coached the crap out of them to what they are now, looney and cataract, and the one player who did improve; you cant even get his name right. lololol really luis

The players train the shit out of themselves the whole week and everyone knows about your strict regimen but for what?!?!? How much training do they need to back pass and not do anything essentially for 90 mins... Ironically De gea trains the least... REALLYY Luis VG.... ?!#$%&*^%!

There are a whole lot of other things that i am flabbergasted about, but this will suffice for now...

 

DOnt worry, the article's bout to finish:

WHo would i want to be a coach for this fixer-upper... Frankly i would take Luis CK over Luis VG ;)
I like most of the coaches, but more than that my wish is to every week see my team play football, thats all...
It started a while back, with weekend matches just being quality television, but then something changed, and i suddenly see myself gravitating more and more towards this team, i dont know what it was to be honest, may have been the trophies, the success, the stadium, the Gaffer, the players or the football....

So all i want is to get that feeling back, waiting to see them play on the weekend...

Thanks for lending me your eyes and minds good folks... Happy new year
*lap-top drop* Booom...

Written by The Raconteur January 08 2016 02:55:43